piemancer: (Default)
[personal profile] piemancer posting in [community profile] giraffesanctuary
 Elainegrey, in her response to me yesterday, said something that inspired me to write a post today. She said, "timely," and she said it like that, in quotes. I suspect she did that because she recognized that "timely" is a judgement that someone makes about an action.

I'd started off my post implying that my reply had taken too long. That's not a reality-based observation, it's my judgement about the situation, and my judgement fueled the unhappiness I'd expressed. Judgements... we're so well practiced in them! And they're a such handy tool for keeping us out of touch with our needs!

Elainegrey had her finger right on reality when she pointed out that the reply came at a time that was good for her. It took longer than I would have liked for me to reply, but it wasn't too long. There is no too long.

The music might be louder than you would like, but it's not too loud for that kid on the bus. He's having a great time with the volume in his headphones right where it is. He might even turn it up, if that were an option. 

If it's louder than you would like, you're older than I would like. Ok, that doesn't work. Communication is fascinating, man. I groove on the spin NVC puts on it.

Date: 2012-06-19 06:26 pm (UTC)
sonia: Quilted wall-hanging (Default)
From: [personal profile] sonia
Hi there,

I found this community via [profile] elainegray. I'm very interested in communication and have read Marshall's book a couple of times. I haven't taken any classes in NVC, though. I worry that I won't post with the right words or on the right topics. You can let me know!

I loved the comics you linked to in your first post and already forwarded the link to someone else interested in NVC.

On the topic of "if it's too loud, you're too old," I would add, "or too sensitive" (more sensitive), since I find myself avoiding loud music that others enjoy.

Date: 2012-06-19 10:54 pm (UTC)
sonia: Quilted wall-hanging (Default)
From: [personal profile] sonia
Thank you for the welcome!

By all-out jackalfest, do you mean expressing frustration and judgment about life events? Sounds lovely to have a supportive place for that! Perhaps you could post an example, or say more about that?

By way of practice, I hear you saying that you are more sensitive to sound than your companion. You perceive that he doesn't like that. You also wonder how he tolerates the levels of sound he likes. Is that right?

Date: 2012-06-20 08:08 pm (UTC)
sonia: Quilted wall-hanging (Default)
From: [personal profile] sonia
Thanks for this example. Yes, swift and graceful. I think there's a difference between judgmental language about someone, and judgmental language to someone. What I hear in your example is frustration and clear boundaries plus a description of how your boundaries and expectations were violated.

Re: By way of practice

Date: 2012-06-20 08:05 pm (UTC)
sonia: Quilted wall-hanging (Default)
From: [personal profile] sonia
I'm seeking to practice hearing you and connecting. (Connection is a big need for me too.) My hope is that you'll feel relief at being heard. Wow, it feels vulnerable to say that, and also a little presumptuous, since (I believe that) your emotions are your business, not mine. I'm startled by the idea that you might mess it up, since I'm trying to hear you, and you get to have whatever response you have.

I realized after I posted that my response was more like Focusing than strictly NVC, partly because it feels intrusive to tell people what they're thinking/feeling.


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A giraffe sanctuary where your jackal is safe.

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