The Price of Nice

[piemancer]

Ahoy, internet pals! I want to warn you that the article I linked to contains two paragraphs of extended fat-hating concern-trolling example, devoid of any basis in science and research. 

I am guilty of letting that kind of garbage slide, and I otherwise enjoyed reading this article by Kelly Bryson, the author of Don't Be Nice, Be Real.  The subject is the damage niceness does. I recognize myself in bits of the article, and I also see some other people who lash out and hurt other people with nice. 

Comments

[sonia]

Thanks for the link. I was reading along, wondering where I fall on the spectrum of Niceness, when I was bounced right out of the article by the extended fat-hating concern-trolling example. :-(

It's interesting to see someone use NVC to express something unacceptable. (i.e. "Your fatness is bad because I have illusions that it's bad for your health, and I think that's my business.") I wonder what an NVC response would be to tell someone to keep their nose out of one's business and their judgments off of one's body. How does one express a hard boundary in NVC?

[piemancer]

O, Sonia, I don't know how to express my regret that I forgot about that paragraph. I even told myself that I wanted to warn people about that line of garbage.

Later in the article(as i recall), Bryson tells a story about how he was sitting next to Marshall Rosenberg after releasing a load of grief in huge sobs. After he had cried a bit, he settled into a breathing pattern in which he whimpered a little on every exhale. Rosenberg asked him, "Is making that sound soothing you? It’s irritating as hell to me, because I want to both comfort you be focused on this next person’s issue. Could you find another way to soothe yourself?”

Now, I don't know what would have happened if Bryson had said, "No." It has been my experience that concern-trolls never effing stop- they "Just wanted-" they "Care so much-" and they're exactly the horrible nice that Bryson is trying to call to our attention.

I spent about a half hour in mourning after I'd read this post from you. I'm really grateful you sent it, because I want this place to be a sanctuary. I'm guilty of letting a lot of garbage slide. I wonder if you'd be willing to let me know when I make similar blunders. I think, if you don't give up on me, I'll learn.

I'm not very mature about my hard boundaries. When people cross them, I don't trust them enough to get into the emotions that NVC relies so much on.

[sonia]

I've been thinking a lot about Niceness, boundaries, compassion, and narcissism over the last few months. I meet some of Bryson's criteria for Niceness but not others. I'm in an ongoing struggle to discern what's socially okay, what's ethically okay, what my boundaries are, and where the line is between self-respect and entitlement.

As I perceive it, in rejecting Niceness Bryson has crossed the line into cruelty. I flinched at the above Rosenberg quote, too. I make no claims to be healthy in this arena, and I think there's a lot of gender-related training mixed in, but my gut says there are more compassionate ways to speak one's truth.

That's a good point, that hard boundaries might not be an appropriate situation for NVC! It took me a long time to learn that when someone hurts me, I don't have to continue making myself vulnerable to them in an attempt to get them to stop.

Thank you for starting this conversation! I'm interested in any thoughts or responses you have.

[sonia]

Hello Piemancer,

I'll be busy for the next few hours and want to sit with what you said in any case, but I wanted to check in quickly and acknowledge your regret and mourning. In this moment I feel surprised and touched by your response. I feel heard, and not-offended by you. I hope that's clear enough, since I don't have time to find better words right now.